Me Chewing My Cud

I've just reviewed my blog entries from this past autumn and early winter. And as they say hindsight is 20/20 . . . gods I was a mess.

I'm still in the process of trying to tidy up the messes I made then. My mom was convinced I was manic. Not so. I was frantic, trying to use the newly available energy I was experiencing to make everything better. Everything that had soured or fallen apart as a result of nine years of depression. Which was, oh, most everything. I believed I could will things to rightness.

I play The Fool well.

I've done a number on my credit score, lost all but two friends from the past, alienated my family while also somehow convincing them that I am The Devil, and experienced a number of other painful, embarrassing results of my actions. Yet somehow, miraculously, I am still okay.

I think, to borrow a phrase from India.Arie, that I am getting "back to the middle." I'm not depressed and I'm not frantic. I'm me learning who "me" is.

As difficult as this past year has been, I am grateful for it. I have learned, the hard way, a lot I naively assumed I already knew.

I'm planting seeds now. I don't know if they will grow or not, but I will tend them the best I can.